Make me smile

I'm so damn excited and at the same time, dreading my birthday! Who to call who to call? What's A* gonna get....dumdumdum

Ah, blogging mojo kapoof.

Till then (:

The new begining

Christmas is approaching!
How time flies!

And the best part! My birthday's coming. But I never liked birthdays, especially mine. I used to have a friend who has the same birthday as me, and hers was always better than mine. More extravagant. And every single year, I would dread my birthday because I don't have huge parties with popular people attending it. I feel so lonely sometimes, I can cry.

This year is different. I'm more mature. More stable. I realise that those huge parties are merely a show. The birthday girl/boy only talk to 10% of the guests and 90% are just acquaintances.

My friend S* inspired me that birthdays are meant to be spent with true friends. Those that have your back when you're in deep shit. And finally, after years of feeling worthless and emotional about the upcoming event, I am now actually quite excited about it :)

Reallly! I was flashing back on J*'s birthday. She had a huge party thrown for her but she only spoke to 5-6 people??? The rest weren't even her friends! Hahah that made me chuckle a little...

Oh and today, i went out with my crush! Okay, the feeling just evolved after the outing! Hahahah, he's really cute, to me. and funny! and childish! But it's all cool. However, he's damn skinny. I think his arms are like HALF OF MINE???? bah

I'm a happy happy girl :)

Okay?

Second post of the night.

Today was rather dramatic.

My best friend just got together with this guy.

My close friend is on the verge of breaking up with her boyfriend.

My close friend needs to consider this guy before accepting him.

While I am boyfriendless. Not that I can't have one. I have this perfect guy waiting for me. Just becuase I'm so shallow, I can't accept his physical flaws.

I hate to say this, but I want a boyfriend right now. I am feeling desperate and I need love. I want someone to care for me. I want someone to love me. I want someone to hug me when I'm sad .

My best friend isn't the prettiest girl on earth and neither is she the thinnest. But she accepted the guy for what he is. Even if he isn't the most good looking guy on earth. And ends up happily ever after. Really, she gave me a wake up call.

You can't always get what you want.

Today, A* picked me up, got down from the car, and escorted me in. He even bought my fav drink and it's on the other end of Earth (exaggerated). But you get my drift, it's quite a distance from my house.

And i didn't even thank him properly! Argh, sometimes I feel so unsure of what I'm feeling. One moment I like him, the next, I'm cold to him...

And when I'm cold, I'm super mean.

Two days ago, I was so cold to him, I completely ignored him and I was so sure that he was not the one and I dont give two fucks even if he was all blue and emo...

Just yesterday, the biggest event of the year, I left him alone BUT i did camwhore with him. Though I didnt entertain him much. At least we got picture of both of us : )

Now I'm confused all over again. I've warned myself to not allow desperation overpower my senses. And i've failed.


Oh just an update. Remember how i bitch about how B* was backstabbing me and mindfucking me??? Turns out that he is actually in loved with me and is jealous over the whole A*-liking-me drama. Since he's going back to his hometown in a day time, he figured its best to confesss. :S

Argh MUMS

You know how annoying it gets when your mum says " No more going out"
Especially when it's after your FINALS. and you have 3 whole months of pure holiday. No stress, no pressure.

How fucking annoying it gets when she insist that you have to clean your room or else there won't be any yam char sessions for you.

You know how fucking embarrassing is it to report to your mum in front of your friends. Especially when your phone volume is slightly too loud, they can practically hear your mum shouting on the other side of the phone.

You try to make your mum sound cool. You try to make your family sound perfect.

But deep inside, it isn't that perfect afterall.

Right now, my mom is acting so unreasonable its getting me on my nerves.

Not only my sister is an instigator. She HAS to talk bad about my friends, about how bitchy are they and how I succumb to peer pressure. Like hello, I'm old enough to actually take responsibilities for my own actions.

I dont smoke, I dont club and as pathetic as it sounds, I only clubbed once.

And I'm not an alcoholic. What more do you want from a daughter?

I get excellent results (not so sure for my finals though).

I don't demand for branded goods.

I stick closely to my curfew.

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME??

I've been good all year round for hell's sake. Urgh, SO annoyingg.

Gah, writing this post isn't making me feel any better.

When dawn arrives

Okay time for some random blogging. Since I'm mentally blocked right now and I can't seem to concentrate... I shall list down few of my worst fears

1) Disappointing my parents

Yes it true. Worst than spiders, scorpions, cockroaches....you name it. I'm not exactly the goody goody girl but when it comes to filial piety, *raises hand* I'm in. Of course I do rebel on certain circumstances and I do hate my parents sometimes for being annoying....The thought of letting them down especially when they expect the most out of you, it's terrible. You know you could have done better but you just didn't.

Aaahhh I'm about to face that pretty soon. The money sucking institution is gonna publish my final results in December and it scares me cause i did TERRIBLY in it.

No I'm not "underprudencing" it. Holy shit, accounts.

Okay, hilang mojo. STUDY STUDY STUDYYYYY
























SORRY BUT I REALLY DO NOT LIKE YOU AT ALL. STOP IT. ARGH PISSING OFF SHITHEAD.


"HIE I"M SHITHEAD AND MY JOB IS TO ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE.BYE"

You know what pisses me off

I can't express how pissed I feel right now. That feeling that it's impossible to put into words. This feeling so intense I feel like ripping my hair off and giving the other party one tight slap. I'm angry can you tell?

You know what pisses me off so badly? Two faced mother fucking backstabbers. Okay I agree that everyone backstabs. But this particular close friend of mine, is actually trying to manipulate me. As though I do not own a brain capable enough to interpret what's going on. Yea, I pull off a blur appearance frequently, but that's only an act darling. It's the real world, everything is vague.

Ok let's not get railed off,

This particular close friend of mine, B* ..and note the CLOSE FRIEND. Which disgusts me even more because I sort of trusted him as a friend and he is actually trying to mindfuck me into doing something that would hurt other people. How cruel is he?

And I assured him that everything would be gone and forgotten by the end of the year but he INSISTS that I have to tell my another friend A* off in the face. And his excuse was to "clarify things"..."don't leave it hanging"

Yeah I know I'm not supposed to mingle around with people's feeling..of course I know very well of that because I believe in karma. But B* has this sadistic side of him and this spoilt jealous little brat who's so insecure of himself prefers to see both of his close friends ( A* and I) in a fight. Yes A* and I now are very close. In fact, we're closer than friends.

B* is fucking jealous that I might just not consult him on my "personal problems" , which I would like clarify, NEVER did. And he has such high inferiority complex its absofuckinglutely disgusting.

Thank god I wouldn't need to see him for the rest of the year after this weekend or else I'll seriously gag at the sight of him. Might vomit out my intestines. Yes, it's that severe.

I'm still so damn pissed and blogging about it isn't helping much. I should totally bitch about him to my friends about the plot that B* cooking up with.

Seriously, it's amazing how someone can appear so gentle and kind at the beginning, within months, transformed into Hyde.

Amazing and you get a standing ovation for that B*

Hey

Hey, have you ever been in a dilemma. A choice made up subconsciously, but you insist that the other option will do more good?
Are you afraid of what people has to say about you, therefore being pretentious.

Don't you think that's obnoxious?

Because, I personally think I am that. I'm very much afraid of what the world has to say about me.
Sometimes I feel so plastic, it's disgusting.

Recently, I felt something new. Something that I never thought I would feel. The feeling so strong, that even my conscience can't resist.

I think I'm in loved.

My heart yearns for him whenever he's away. Thinking of what he's possibly doing. What's he's up to. For once, I'm excited about the upcoming event. Not to mention, anxious at the same time.

However, I'm very disturbed about his physical disability. Oh, call me shallow.

Oh what the heck, love is blind



Editted:

Maybe it was just a one-day chemistry. Now the feeling is lost and I'm so afraid that it'll grow in me again.